Being single is an enriching experience.
These days (and maybe since the beginning), it’s the most common thing to get together with friends and lament “how hard it is to find great people to date.” Men and women from all walks of life always seem to have this problem.
I can’t even remember the last time I had a friend whose biggest dating problem was that there were too many fantastic guys/girls vying for their attention.
The perpetually single type walks a challenging and often very lonely road. Now there’s nothing wrong with being single, and I love it.
As with most things in life, it’s always sweeter when it’s a voluntary and a conscious decision.
If you find yourself growing tired of the single life and wondering if you might play a role in your singledom instead of just your universe’s rotten luck, this article is for you.
We will go over the top commonalities of the perpetually single and how you can remedy them.
You Don’t Even Try – The Lazy Single Life.
We actively try and improve most parts of our lives by default. If you’re American, you were raised to buy products in an attempt to improve everything about your life.
Yet, for most, the furthest they’ll go when it comes to dating is upgrading to Tinder Gold for more swipes and those sweet, sweet Super Likes.
Much can be done (and much of it more accessible than you’d think) to radically pump up your dating life and, in turn, your chances of meeting someone incredible.
Men are just as guilty of this passivity as women are, and the only difference is usually the why behind the indifference. Fear of rejection, self-loathing, victim mindset, and the list of inner demons go on and on and will require another blog post to delve into.
For now, just consider the following questions:
- Can you look yourself in the mirror and say with conviction you are trying?
- Could you be doing more? Why aren’t you?
You’ve Been Ignoring Past Emotional or Relationship Traumas.
It’s not for me to say what kind of trauma you might have gone through. But we all have had something significantly horrible that’s happened in a previous relationship that affects our worldview and maybe our dating habits.
If you are having trouble getting close to someone new (or staying close), you may have repressed something from your past.
Seeking professional help is probably the move unless you are introspective and willing to do the challenging ‘shadow work.’ Meditation and many high-quality youtube videos might be enough, but why take the chance? Therapy is in vogue nowadays anyways 🙂
You Don’t Love Yourself.
Self-love is not a prerequisite for an active dating life. Some of the most outwardly successful men/women in dating I know deep down loathe themselves. But, if you’re hoping your search ends in a fulfilling and world-rocking relationship, then self-love is where it all starts.
It feels silly to try and cover something as massive as self-love in a short blog post… but let me give you some required reading if you think the self-love train is worth getting on (hint: it is).
Check out that anything written by Teal Swan, Osho, and even James Altucher can become relevant. “The Power of Letting Go” is a great entry-level one. “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle.
A word of caution. The ‘Self Help’ rabbit hole is only worth going down once. After a few books, you will understand all the concepts and realize that everything ‘new’ out there is just an opportunistic and sharp marketing mind re-hashing things already said.
We know the right path to self-love, and it’s one of acceptance and meditation, and it’s the ability to sit alone and realize that you don’t need much else to be content. So buy the books, read the ideas and reflect on your internal state… but beware that if you can’t sit still and meditate for more than 5 minutes, you should probably start there.
Don’t overcomplicate the process (this is part of being kind to yourself anyway!). It’s not something you can race towards with intensity; it’s something that comes to you after you have stripped away all the mental baggage and ego and forgiven yourself (or others) for the horrible things that have happened in the past.
You Have Zero Style
Finally, we are on to some practical tips! Women intuitively understand that looking presentable is essential, and men are valued differently in society on many levels and thus never quite get this point driven home.
There is extreme value in dressing well and improving your overall appearance.
Yes, we know that women don’t, on average, value physical appearance as much as men do when it comes to picking a partner. But you better believe that the higher caliber women notice it and value it, because why not? If she’s going to pick from thousands of men who compete for her attention (all of whom may be a great match), why not choose from the smaller group that looks good?
Think about every product you’ve ever purchased after seeing an ad online. When it first caught your eye, you didn’t know the effect would be precisely what you wanted or high quality, but the ad was attractive enough to win your attention and curiosity. You found out more and eventually were sold.
Now think of all of the ads you skipped over when scrolling. How many of those ads were terrific products, but they never got the time of day from you because you blew right past their lousy ad?
Same thing when it comes to fashion and approaching women. Your look and style are critical to creating that first few seconds of intrigue, and they are your walking advertisement.
This is where most men feel a pang of despair because “If I’m not a naturally good looking guy, does this mean I’ll always be alone?”.
Don’t jump off the bridge quite yet, friend. Fortunately for you, the notion of the ‘ugly’ guy is absolute fucking nonsense. Any guy can dramatically improve his look by updating his grooming (haircut, beard, body hair) and upgrading his fashion. You may never be a model caliber James Bond type, but trust me, if you dress well and take care of yourself, many women will think you are damn sexy.
Upping your look is one of the easiest ways to improve your relationship swag.
Check out this guide I wrote here [ INSERT LINK ] covering men’s style from top to bottom.
You Live in a Sh*t City
If you improve your look, try harder, and love yourself, then no doubt your relationship changes will skyrocket. But if you do these things while still living in a city or town that’s a veritable desert of sexy singles, then your long-term relationship options may still be handicapped.
If you are still single, consider where you live. Are you in a teeming cosmopolitan metropolis that is chocked full of your ideal person? Or do you live an hour outside a mediocre city in a quiet town or suburb with no cafes or nightlife?
Men and women both drastically underestimate how big deallocation is. The goal is twofold:
- Put yourself in a city that has a lot of singles
- Put your apartment/house within that city in a neighborhood that makes meeting and dating easy.
It’s like any goal-setting or habit-building advice out there. Make it easy to do the thing you want to do.
Check out my other article for more details on picking a city etc. [ INSERT LINK ]
Notice a Trend? It’s All On You.
To bring this one home, we have the most massive concept to internalize if you want to change your relationships and life. If there is something wrong, you need to take responsibility and allow yourself to improve.
Gone are the days of “there are no good women in this town” or “women just don’t seem to respond to me.” Both statements might even be accurate, but my point is that regardless it’s up to you to make the change, make a move, and do whatever you have to to start building the relationships you’ve always wanted.
Leave the victim mindset to someone else. We are interested in ownership and responsibility here, and those who take it upon themselves to improve their lives end up doing it.