The last time my girlfriend broke up with me I was standing butt-naked in my kitchen. Arguably not the best time to have the conversation, but hey.
We’ve all been dumped or gone through some of the relationship breakups with women at various points in our dating lives. It’s almost always (myself included, perhaps, especially me) handled poorly on both sides.
Today I’m going to focus on the guy side of things. Because even if your girlfriend drives a truck through your emotional and personal life, we as self-reliant men are responsible for handling the immediate situation, processing the break (and all the lousy emotions that can come with it), and come out on the other side a better and more experienced man. Notice I didn’t say bitter or vengeful.
This article and ‘breakup process’ I’m going to share is the tough love that we all really need to hear after a breakup, but our friends are too kind (or naive) to impart upon us.
Whether you just had a breakup and are searching for some immediate answers, or you’re cruising along in a nice relationship with a cutie on your terms, this should prove to be an informative, actionable, and above all non-fluff read.
Either way, you’re getting it today my friend.
Why do most men absolutely fuck up a breakup? The main reasons that I’ve found in my past are:
- They don’t reflect on what happened (whether their fault or hers) and immediately jump into the exact same kind of situation that they got dumped from in the first place.
- They have no social outlet or other women in their life (aside from their Ex) that they can spend time with.
- They go full narcissist mode, and try and become someone that will make her regret breaking up with them.
So if you’re not going to just hit the gym hard, plow through tinder, and post motivational quotes from Arnold Schwarzenegger on Instagram…what’s the plan for not only handling the suck that is a breakup, but also coming out a better (and more attractive man) ready for the next adventure?
Let’s find out.
A Warning For Girlfriend Readers
This article will upset a lot of women readers, and likely turn off men readers that aren’t ready to hear it. No punches are pulled, we’re going to get emotional (without going hippy dippy), we’re going to talk about all the fucked up shit you do in secret and would never tell your friends (paying hundreds on dating apps, hiring hookers, stalking your ex, and more). It’s a lot to cover, but in brief:
- Why most breakup advice is complete garbage (and what to do about it)
- How to stop doing all the toxic stuff
- How to get her back (or get someone a significant step up)
- Step by Step Plan of Action for guys that just ended something significant
Just Focus On Yourself, Bro — Why Most Breakup Advice is Complete Garbage
Most advice on how to handle breakups or ‘get back together’ for me is written to sell you something. A ‘My girlfriend broke up with me’ dating course, coaching, and the like. So it’s written for the majority, the average, the lowest common denominator of guys that can pull out a credit card and buy something to soothe their little hearts.
The problem is, advice for the masses means advice for the generally dumb and unconscious. If you read my stuff, it’s safe to say you are not in those categories, so we can proceed with the real stuff. The stuff that says even though your girlfriend broke up with you, it was most likely your fault.
Yes, you need some content out there that inspires you and picks you back up. But the “you didn’t need that bitch anyway” frame of mind just isn’t going to get you to the next level (and avoid this kind of uselessness feeling that comes along with a more traditional break.
There’s also a sickening amount of advice out there on how to get back with your ex. We’ll cover this extensively as well (hint, you shouldn’t even consider it for at minimum 6 months, and under extreme conditions). Sorry pal, not the right move if your relationship just ended.
Toxic Breakup Responses You Are Probably Doing
Stop. Stalking. Her. Instagram.
Need I say more? Although I admit I’m guilty of this as well, it absolutely has to stop if you’re ever going to properly heal from a breakup. Social media is all too tempting when it comes to checking (stalking?) in on old exes.
The reality is that when it comes to Instagram, a hot girl is going to win a breakup every single time. Unless you’ve set your life and relationship up to the point where you have a massive abundance of women to date, she’s going to have the options, go on trips, be on yachts, and post the perfect bikini shots while doing it.
Now, your ex-girlfriend is doing this because she’s hurting too and wants to convince you, herself, and the world that she’s absolutely #thriving… but that’s beside the point.
The point is, it does nothing for you to be constantly trolling her fake social media/insta-life, and secretly hoping that she’s not out partying and dating.
The quintessential after-breakup activity. Cheers with your boys to newfound freedom, and hit the bars for a night of drinking a ton and not even approaching any women. Let the trash-talking begin!
Sound familiar? Hopefully not, but I think we’ve all had some version of this night.
I’m not going to harp on the fact that partying won’t improve your life as a man, I think we’ve all seen enough motivational quotes for a lifetime.
In my experience, if you want to get a new girlfriend, or get over a breakup, then you’ll want to be:
- Improving yourself and your life (business, fitness, etc.)
- Approaching women authentically during the daytime
Bottom line is that drinking a ton and going out won’t get you the girl you want, or the life you’re on this site to learn how to build.
Desperately Trying to Get Laid
This is by far my biggest toxic habit after a relationship ends or we decide to take a break. Your ego takes a massive hit before when you went out you had a beautiful girl on your arm who adored you (side note, if you didn’t even have that read more of my stuff)
And now you have nothing. No ego validation, no social status when you’re out, and no guys checking out your girl with jealousy/admiration. It’s just you.
In this post-girlfriend vacuum, it’s easy for a guy to attempt to move heaven and earth in order to fill the void and protect his ego. My recommendation is to actually use this break to sit with yourself and become comfortable being alone. It’s hard and slightly embarrassing, and it will also completely change your perspective on dating as well as your groundedness as a man.
Whether it’s spending a ton of cash on dating apps, or paying for it in other ways (hookers, etc.) getting more girls right away won’t make you feel any better. It will just distract you, and ultimately make you feel worse (not to mention waste your cash).
Not Admitting it Hurts
An all too common response from guys after losing a girlfriend is to pretend like everything’s fine, they aren’t affected by the breakup, and that life will just proceed as normal. We all know that this isn’t true deep down, getting dumped sucks. Period. It will hurt for a while, and then after you process and heal life will start getting better every day.
This is an exercise in vulnerability gentlemen, and if you take the leap and just verbally admit to your friends that your breakup. Not only will it help you process your immediate feelings, but it actually will make you a stronger and more masculine man overall. Seems counterintuitive? Give David Deida a read for more context.
Want to get back together? How To Get back with Your Girl
When my girlfriend broke up with me, there was certainly a period where I thought about getting her back into my life. This is natural after a breakup, and while you don’t need to feel bad about wanting her back, you also shouldn’t be strategizing for a romantic return anytime soon.
This is the most common thing guys ask when their girlfriend leaves, so while I don’t recommend getting back together, or taking a break or whatnot there are several steps you can take to get her back. If you really want to.
Time and Space are Your Friends
The biggest mistake couples make during a breakup is staying in contact with each other. Yes, I know you both might want to ‘stay friends’, and no one wants to cut out an important person from their life completely.
However, you must if you want any true hope of getting back together.
This isn’t some trick to get her to miss you, or front like your new life without her is going so great that you’re actually glad to be dumped… not at all.
What it is instead, is a mental reprogramming of both of your brains so that the possibility for a future connection can grow. Let me explain.
When you’re with someone every day, or texting constantly, seeing each other, etc. your brain gets wired to respond directly to that person. This is why breakups hurt so much because the connection is severed and you no longer get that touch or contact.
The natural inclination is to text every once in a while, maybe even meet up for coffee with your ex, etc. To this, I tell guys absolutely not. At least for the first 6 months.
You need to rewire both of your brains, and if you’re in contact at all then those old connections are still being used. Let them go cold, and die. Your brain will stop thinking of her, and using her as a source of feeling good. You’ll become self-reliant with your feelings (and so will she).
This is the foundation from which a new relationship can grow.
Seek Something New Together
This is an important mental shift. You want a new relationship with her, not your old one back. There was a reason she dumped you after all, right?
Both of you need to go on your own journies of self-improvement and healing during this break period. You need to build your own life, and so does she. Only from that place of independence, can you truly re-connect and see each other as a new potential partner.
Your ‘My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me’ — Step By Step Plan of Action
Now you know all the terrible things you could do after losing your relationship and girlfriend.
For those of you guys that are logical-brained and technical, let’s go through an actual plan of action to fix your emotional state, and get your life (and dating life) back on track.
Process, Reflect and Heal
Don’t skip this, I know when a girl fresh from a 2-week yoga retreat in Tulum starts talking to me about her ‘trauma healing process’ my eyes glaze over and I want to die. This is not what I’m talking about.
We don’t have to put all this spiritual fluff around the concept, but the idea is essentially that:
- You will feel shitty, worthless, insecure, sad, whatever else if your girlfriend broke up with you out of the blue (or did something way worse)
- It’s fine to feel those things, so just feel them (without trying to hide it and pretend you’re all good) until they melt away.
This can take days, weeks, or longer depending on who you are, and what your relationship looked like.
Should you feel angry, or betrayed? Maybe. What if your girlfriend cheated on you and you caught her, or what if it came from ‘out of nowhere’?
Part of being self-reliant (the whole point of what we’re doing here) is taking extreme ownership of what happens in your personal relationships. Sure your girlfriend broke it off first, but why? If you honestly look back at your actions over the preceding few months, I’m sure you’ll dig up a gem or two that you could improve on.
Find Peace and Enjoyment Alone
There is no stronger emotional need after you’ve been dumped than to hit up the dating apps, and find yourself someone, anyone to go out and sleep with.
And depending on the length of the relationship, this can be a totally overwhelming feeling. We lost our sexy girlfriend, and with her gone there’s no one to constantly validate your existence and value as a man. No one to love you, obsess over you, or be jealous every time you talk to another girl in front of her.
This is one of the most common reasons guys get back together with their ex after a breakup and end up regretting it. Because the truth is the prospect of being alone after so much time spent with someone is terrifying. It’s like looking into the abyss over a mountain’s edge, and seeing nothing but lonely nights, Pornhub, and fruitless swiping on tinder. Waiting for the next decent-looking girl to be interested enough to build something with. Blah.
The reality doesn’t have to be like that at all.
We must remember though, that if you can’t be happy alone then you can never be truly happy. And you’ll never be able to attract the women you want from a place of needing them to feel good about your life.
Look, I get it. There’s literally no better feeling than walking into a bar or restaurant with a beauty on your arm that’s blatantly infatuated with you. Guys look on with approval and admiration, and women look on with curiosity and intrigue (you must be awesome if a girl that beautiful is hanging on your every word).
But life can’t be a constant succession of these moments. And to chase them every day is counterproductive in the grand scheme of things.
Build Your Body and Your Finances
There are tons of articles and people out there teaching how to up your fitness and your business game. I write mostly on entrepreneurship, but even if you’re an employee there are tons of ways to maximize how much you’re making (and saving/investing).
The point of the self-improvement train is that you will find great rewards in doing difficult things (working out, building a company) that ultimately make you a more valuable and attractive man.
And I don’t just mean the results (getting rich and ripped) I mean the below-the-surface confidence that comes from being a man who can do the work and show up every day. Women can smell this level of competence and mental strength in a man and trust me it’s far more powerful than a six-pack when it comes to getting another girlfriend.
Meet More Women In Person
Picking up girls in broad daylight in everyday situations is one of the most terrifying but valuable skills a man can learn. Yes you can find a girlfriend from Hinge or Bumble, but you will do much better if you can build the confidence and social skills to do it in person on the street, at your coffee shop, in the gym etc.
Again I’m not just talking about the result here (pcking up the girl and having a great time together), I’m talking about becoming the kind of man who approaches and attracts women with ease.
Your social savvy and ‘game’ have even more of an impact on your value to women than your body and your wallet do. A charismatic and charming man will win out over a rich guy or pretty boy. Every. single. time.
That’s why it’s so crucial you get out there and start learning to enjoy the process of seeing a beautiful woman and actually being able to meet her.
Move Forward — Be Humble
We’ve reached the end of our story for today. To summarize, if your relationship ended, or your girlfriend broke up with you:
- Don’t be a tough guy and actually process the emotional pain
- Don’t do all the toxic things I’ve listed
- Spend time with yourself, improve
- Create space (especially if you want her back)
That’s all for now, hang in there my friends, and thanks for reading.
If you want more…
Every week I publish an article to men looking to build the ultimate freedom of choice in their business and their relationships. Digital entrepreneurship, dating, open and multiple relationships. Jump on it here