If you’ve had virtually any dating experience in your life this article is going to hit home on some level.
Today i’m going to be focusing on what’s often referred to as ‘oneitis’, or more simply put being hung up on losing that one girl who is irreplaceable.
Or so it seems in the moment at least…
We’ll go over:
- How to know if you’re really experiencing oneitis (or you just love her)
- Tactics to pull yourself out of this negative headspace
- A full on detailed ‘recovery process’ to pick your life back up after suffering a oneitis related breakup.
This isn’t stuff that anyone normally talks about, aside from some generic men’s blogs giving you advice that might as well have come from the Cosmopolitan magazine.
This is serious business. It’s a mindset that can rip away months and years of your own life if you don’t manage it properly. The tactics in here will not only help you crush oneitis (should you be facing it) but also ensure that it never happens again.
Let’s move forward in our lives, and drive towards the things we want (finding a high quality woman, or multiple women for that matter).
Here’s what most guys do. They break up with their ‘dream girl’, they spend months and months depressed. Their negative attitude spreads like a plague to all the other areas of their life (business, friendships, family), and can set them back years of emotional progress.
Then they happen upon an average-ish girl through a friend, or on Bumble/Hinge.
And they start the whole damn process over again.
Or worse, they marry her out of fear of losing another one.
This article is going to save you years of unnecessary heartache and miserable wallowing.
But enough intro, let’s get into what we’re going to cover today. Grab some coffee, pop in the headphones and strap in because this is one is worth focusing on.
- Story Time (my absolute worst case of oneitis)
- What is Oneitis (And do you have it without realizing?)
- The Oneitis Cure Step by Step
- My worst oneitis story
- What if you buddy has it?
- Getting her back (if you must)
- Using Oneitis as motivation
- How to replace her with high value women
Let’s get to it, shall we?
The Perfect Woman
This girl was about as perfect as you could get.
Have you ever dated a girl that checks so many of your ‘criteria’ boxes, that despite feeling cliche for it you end obsessing over her? Not in a stalker way, of course. More like your head heart and penis catch on fire every time you touch her.
We’re talking about the kind of fiery reaction that only truly exceptional women can trigger. Not just a pretty face, but that kind of effortless personality that puts you at ease. Hours slip by with her in some kind perfumed haze that the sun just barely glides through.
And we haven’t even gotten to the sex yet.
Well my friends, she was one of those. With the skills and body of pornhub top 10 actress, but without the baggage.
And then she left.
Abruptly, painfully, without any kind of plausible explanation. The kind of breakup where the furthest corner of your mind can’t help but wonder if the relationship ended for her months and months earlier.
And I just didn’t know how to handle it.
I went through the list of terribly toxic breakup behaviors (detailed further in this article by the way).
- I went out and drank way too much, too often.
- I stopped working out
- My business atrophied, and my hunger to grow it vanished overnight.
- I stopped keeping in touch with close friends and ghosted messages from family.
And on and on…
Overall I figure this breakup cost me 9 months of life. Life I could have spent working on my projects, getting stronger (physically and mentally), and of course getting out into the world to meet beautiful women and have incredible experiences across the globe.
So, how did I pull myself out of the oneitis pit?
I read and consumed everything I could about dating. Books, hours and hours of youtube videos, and even ultimately threw myself into some of the most intense dating coaching experiences I could find [ LINK TO 20K ON DATING COACHING ARTICLE HERE ]
Fortunately, you won’t have to do that.
Just had a rough breakup? Check out one of my most popular articles “my girlfriend broke up with me” (even if you did the dumping, it’s worth a read).
What is Oneitis (and do you have it?)
Oneitis is a very commonly referred to phenomenon in the men’s dating world when a guy is hung up on a particular girl. Some go so far as to call it a mental disease (but this is a total exaggeration), it’s more of a set of consistent, intense feelings towards ‘the’ girl. The one who you’ve convinced yourself life without wouldn’t be nearly as rich.
Listen, every guy has this feeling persist at least once in a lifetime. Especially if you’ve been working hard at dating and are finally seeing beautiful (and high quality) women come into your life.
Usually, this happens on the first legitimately beautiful and cool woman that falls for you. Yes, maybe you dated a cute girl before, but this one is truly stunning. The infatuation phase was unlike anything you’ve ever experienced… and on and on.
These experiences are amazing, don’t get me wrong. However your first few of these you may feel like you have overreached and hit the jackpot. Thus, the fear and scarcity that creeps in when you lose her (and yes my friend, you will always lose the first few stunners you attract).
Then she’s gone.
Moved onto another dude, another life, whatever the reason. Maybe you drove her away with your neediness, maybe not. Either way, this is the point where hopefully you realize that you’ve developed an unhealthy romantic obsession for this girl. You worry that you’ll never get another one like her, that’ she’s the only one in the entire world for you… etc.
Starting to sound familiar? (Oneitis is way more prevalent than most men realize).
If indeed you do realize that oneitis has crept in and is currently dismantling your dating life, do not despair. There are ways to conquer it (and we’ll get into them below), and if you’re willing to do a little self reflection you’ll come out a much more powerful man.
It’s also good to mention at this point that there are different levels to oneitis. Some guys have it so bad that they can’t conceive of a world without the girl. Other guys just have some negative mindsets, and maybe a habit of checking her instagram too often.
The Different Levels of Oneitis
So doctor, what’s the prognosis? How bad you have oneitis definitely affects the advice you receive, and the actions you should take. So I’ve tried to break it down into three different levels.
I think all men experience at least fleeting moments of this oneitis level. It’s the least threatening to your lifestyle, but still merits a mention.
If you are:
- consistently ‘checking in’ on her social media
- feeling pangs of jealousy when hearing about or seeing her travel/be with other guys etc.
- seeing other women, but comparing them to her constantly
The concern here is only how long it lasts. It’s perfectly naturally to feel remorse after a tough breakup with someone special. At this point the name of the game is finding out the types of experiences that will make you feel the most inspired/alive. And then going out and getting them.
This is a self-reflective stage. You can see one woman, many women, or none at all to cure oneitis at this level.
The Recovering Addict
This is the most fragile and dangerous of the oneitis stages, because it can last and last without you realizing it.
If you are:
- still thinking about her everyday
- doing things and wondering what she would think (if she saw)
- dating and hooking up, but never fully satisfied
Then you’re probably in this middle stage. So what to do?
Pretty much everything in this article will apply, only you will be able to tell what’s needed and when. This stage is about making sure that you’ve done the healing work needed emotionally, but also it’s about taking action.
Oftentimes, insight follows action. You’ll need to force yourself into new patterns and habits that serve you in the long run.
The Full Blown Withdrawal
Have you ever seen the movie the Fighter with Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale? If you haven’t, Christian bale’s character is a crack addicted junkie for most of the film. There’s a scene where his first week in prison he’s going through the worst of the withdrawal symptoms of drug addiction (these can even kill some people if they are forced to quit cold turkey like that.
This is the most extreme of the oneitis cases. Where you’re so hurt from the breakup that you simply are unable to function.
Brutal stuff. But it does happen.
In these cases, it’s hard to pull yourself out of the oneitis hole completely on your own. It’s a grieving process, and regrettably it takes time. If you’re in this stage, you’re going to need to fully feel the misery without trying to deny it or fight it. This ultimately passes and you can get onto the rest of the process to get your dating life back on track.
The Oneitis Cure
So you want to get rid of your oneitis? Now that we have defined exactly what it is, let’s look at the source. What exactly is making you feel this way towards this specific girl? Is she really the best in the world? The hottest smartest girl you could ever find and attract? I seriously doubt it friend. Which brings up the question, if not that then why do you want her so badly?
How to get over Oneitis (by taking action)
The real and lasting answer is that you need to love yourself unconditionally and in doing so you naturally will not linger on a single person (girl or friend or anyone) for validation in an attempt to feel worthy of love. Because if you love yourself you are ‘whole’ and don’t need anyone in particular. This is the holy grail of abundance. But if you are reading this article, it’s less likely that you’ve achieved such a state, which is why we need to delve into the practical/tactical world first.
Dating Other Women
Meet more girls. That’s the simple answer, now let’s go more in depth into your options here.
With everything on this approach I like to take a split approach between tactical (things you can do today) and inner (the self-reflective work that takes longer, and is less defined).
Where was I? Ah yes, get. more. girls.
This is as tactical as you can get. Walk outside of your house, find new women to meet and socialize with, and don’t stop doing that. Pretty simple right?
Let’s unpack why you need to date other women.
It’s not because you will immediately find someone better than your ex or your crush. More so it’s offload the positive affirmations (validation) you once had from your last girl onto a whole bunch of new girls.
Trust me, if 5 different cute girls are texting you and competing for your time to hang out it will naturally reduce the significance of your oneitis girl. If nothing else it will physically reduce the amount of time you have to think about her, and that’s significant enough.
Give it time and don’t be friends. This is often a cliche piece of advice but it’s true. The more time you spend apart the better. Your brain needs to rewire itself to stop getting hits of adrenaline/validation from her. This is a very physical thing, and it does take time. No communication (text/calls/in person) and multiple months is the best recipe to getting over your bad case of oneitis. An extremely common ‘logical’ move is to say “well we still care about each other and want to stay friends…”.
Even if that’s true, you still need at minimum 6 months of no communication. If you ever want to truly be friends (and not just waiting/hoping that you can beat oneitis by just getting her back), then separation is essential.
A lot of times throughout a longer relationship, we make small little compromises to our identity in order to have things run a little bit more smoothly. While this is generally an easy-going guy trait, it affects all of us if we aren’t careful.
A bunch of little desires repressed over a few years can lead to a completely different man in the mirror staring back at you.
What Do You Want? An Exercise in Perspective
Oneitis aside, take some time to get out of your house and go somewhere to be completely alone. Rent a cabin for the weekend, go into the mountains, desert, whatever really. Just get far enough away from home for some perspective (distance matters here).
Dial In Your Style Archetype
What kind of guy do you want to be? Of course we are all unique, but you’ll find that the majority of ‘attractive’ men fall into 1 of about 5 different main groups. Google ‘men’s style archetypes to learn more’ or you can read my personal fashion/style guide here. It’s important you chose a general ‘vibe’ to shoot for. As this will determine whta kind of clothes you buy, what kind of photos you post on social media and on and on…
Are you a James Bond suave suit kind of guy? Or a punk rockstar? Or maybe a writer/intellectual? It doesn’t really matter what you chose (as long as it aligns with you actually are as a man), women find a whole host of different ‘kinds’ of guys irresistible. What matters is that your image is well put together, and authentic from the start. We can tweak the specifics of it over time.
Cleaning House – Upgrading Your Network
Now that you’ve defined the kind of lifestyle you want, it’s time to leave behind all those that don’t support your vision. Old an loyal friends are great.. but they can’t be the ones that you are spending the majority of your time around or communicating with.
Instead, you need to identify a few individuals, or groups of people that are already living how you want to be. Can’t do that easily? Then you have some research and work to do in order to find these kind of people. What types of events do they go to? Are there any high end mastermind/conference groups that they would be in? Strategize, and join as many as you can. Whatever it costs/takes to put yourself in the company of those who have achieved what you’re looking to.
Old friends and negative energies around you can certainly contribute to oneitis woes, by the way. Be wary of those friendships that aren’t lifting you up, and inspiring you to be your authentic self.
Get Outside your Comfort Zone and Have An Adventure
Changing your physical location is a surprisingly effective way to get some perspective on your life (and your potential oneitis). Kind of like the more awesome male version of ‘Eat Pray Love’. Make it your own, but go far. South America, East Asia, Eastern Europe are packed full of adventure and beautiful women. Go far. Go now.
When you do get out there, make sure you try and learn something completely new. Salsa dancing, kite-surfing, motorcycle riding… whatever that cool thing you’ve had in your head for a few years to learn how to do.
How to Get Over Oneitis (by fixing the inner problems)
The real and lasting answer to curing oneitis is that you need to love yourself unconditionally and in doing so you naturally will not linger on a single person (girl or friend or anyone) for validation in an attempt to feel worthy of love.
Sounds fucking awful, doesn’t it?
Stick with me for this one though, because if you love yourself you are ‘whole’ and don’t need anyone in particular. This is the holy grail of abundance, and women can smell it on you. It’s that indescribable ‘spark’ or ‘charisma’ that a girl gets all flustered talking about when she meets a confident guy that doesn’t need her to feel good about himself.
But if you are reading this article, it’s less likely that you’ve achieved such a state, which is why we need to delve into the practical/tactical world first.
Stop Trying to Get Your Ex Back
How to get your ex back is one of the most commonly asked questions in the dating/seduction industry. If you’re asking this, then you can be damn sure oneitis is a factor.
The harsh answer is as you stand right now you don’t deserve her back. Regardless of the terms and reasons for the breakup, the man you were at the time wasn’t the right match for her. So either change and grow from the experience or forever remain without her.
There is no fool-proof way to get a girl back once she’s gone. In fact the vast majority of them will never come back into your life regardless of who you become afterwards. But if you want ANY chance of getting her back, then you need to grow and improve as a man. Period.
FYI, I have written extensively about breakups here, and spoiler alert… sometimes you can indeed (and should) get her back into your life. In this article, we’ll dive into more tactics and talk about how you can decide whether or not you even should try and get her back.
The End of Oneitis and Beyond
Well that’s all we have on the silent suffering of oneitis today. A quick recap of what this article covered:
- Types of oneitis (and how to tel l if you’re affected)
- Take-action tactics to crush oneitis (go back and read this one again)
- The internal changes you need to make.
If this seems like a lot of stuff, don’t jump off the metaphorical bridge yet man. Focus on the simplest things day to day that I outlined here. One day soon you’ll wake up next to a beautfil girl that makes you smile. You’ll get out of bed, and make your morning coffee while gazing out the window or sitting on your balcony. In those few moments alone, a thought will occur to you.
That you haven’t thought about or worried about your ex girl in weeks. Trust me, it will happen. And if you’re lucky in that moment, your new girl will come up behind you, put her arms around your neck, and kiss you sweetly.
And your oneitis will be a thing of the past. Not because you simply find another woman… but because you’ve done the work to be OK either way. That’s where the beauty and power lays in all this.
Until next time….
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